I don’t think we can ever go back.
Things will never be the same, because you made your mistake. I shouldn’t ever forgive you and I don’t think I ever will.
I don’t know you anymore, and what’s left isn’t enough for me to want to try to get to know you.
Just…who are you?
Can love and hate exist at the same time, for the same person?
As much as I want to try, I don’t think I could ever forgive you.
Actually, I don’t want to forgive you at all.
You should never have done it in the first place, then you shouldn’t have gone back.
God, you really work in ways that I can’t understand, don’t you?
Every time I have a chance for happiness, it seems like you want to take it away. Every time I have a chance to succeed, you seem to work to make it not happen. And every single time, I’ve blamed you and resented you for being so jealous.
Even now, when I’m in the midst of struggles and I’m trying so hard to find my way, I do wish that you were more generous -but deep down, I know that you love me more than anyone else in the world, that you are doing this because you have a greater plan for me. You have saved the best and the greatest for me, and this is your way of preparing me to receive them.
So I’ll trust you.
As much as it hurts, I’ll let it go, I’ll lay down everything in front of you. I put everything back in your hands, where they all originally came from. I know you love me. No matter what happens, please allow me the grace and the strength to extend that same love to the people around me. No matter what happens, heal me with your love and show me just how much you love me. Because no one else can love me like you do, unconditionally and without cease.
In the midst of struggles, thank you for teaching me to be humble. Thank you for teaching me to love you the most. Thank you for loving me, regardless of who I am and what I do. Thank you so much for giving me such a loving family and friends who show me what it means to love, through whom I can see a little bit of you.
Help me be strong. Help me become a person of prayer who can renew my hope and strength to you.
René Vernor, from Anything Is Possible (via perfect)
(Source: violentwavesofemotion, via adaywithoutlights)
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I have no energy and all I want to do is to say “fuck everything,” turn off my cell phone, hide under a rock right near a gorgeous beach that never grows dark, and sleep for a century or two. When I wake up, I’ll get lost in the ocean, feed on tropical fruits and coconuts, and go back to sleep until the day I wake up and realize that I am okay, that I’ve found peace, that I can face people again.
He tells me every day just how beautiful I am, just how much he appreciates me. By taking just one look, he sees, through the images reflected in my eyes, just how much pain I’ve gone through, every single person who has hurt me, all the moments that have inflicted scars upon me- and he attempts to make me forget.
And he succeeds. He takes my hand in his, and for a little while, I can push back the overwhelming memories, the heartaches, and rest sated, with my head on his shoulder. He whispers sweet nothings, promises security, happiness, stability. He offers everything that I have wished for in the past- and gives me more than what I could ever dream of.
And yet, I am unhappy.
All I can remember is the way he refused to let me go, then suddenly released me into the cold. The way I let him go, because I was too caught up in the moment. Because I believed that we would have a whole future together. The way he always showed up after not shaving for two days, with shadows, possibly because he knew that I loved it. The way he held me in the street, as if it was going to be the last time we saw each other. It was.
His hugs. His eyes. The mass of his messy, wavy brown hair that was never in place. His addictions, his obsessions. The way he would do anything for his friends. The way he seemed so certainly lost, that I felt the urge to reach out to him and hold him. To help him, in whatever way I could.
I really tried my best, but in the end, I had to let go, because I knew that it was hurting both of us- we were putting pressure on him, and frustrating me. Our priorities were different, and we weren’t willing to change them.
It was horrendous. In such a short amount of time, he showed me so much of him, so much more than I could have asked for, but I never had to chance to show him who I really was. Our time, briefly spent together, was so focused on him that most opportunities to understand myself was lost- and when I looked for it, when I asked for it, he refused. The result was that he never really understood me, or knew me.
The truth is- I don’t want to forget.
The memories that make my heart ache are the same one that make my heart swell, with emotions that had seemed so trivial prior to their formations, but now seem powerful enough to shift my world.
If they had disappeared, the heartaches would be gone, but so would the swells. Everything would become flatlined again, until someone came and revived me, so that I could feel again, in a newly opened world. But right now, I’m more numb than anything. The energy has left me, and I just cannot bring myself to care, to allow myself to be vulnerable once more so that the whole process of creative destruction of emotional roller coaster rides can be repeated.
I wish I could forget- I wish that I would want to forget, but the fact is that I can’t, because I wouldn’t. Because then, it would all be gone- and I would be left with nothing.