René Vernor, from Anything Is Possible (via perfect)
(Source: violentwavesofemotion, via adaywithoutlights)
오늘 같은 날은 잠이 들 수가 없다.
난 무엇을 위해 이 세상에 태어난 걸까? 하나님은 정말 존재 하시는 걸까. 그렇다면 그 분은 도대체 왜 날 이 땅으로 부르셨을까.
왜 날 이렇게 잠잠하고 잔잔한 고통속에 넣으셨을까.
난, 지금 무엇을 배우고 있는걸까.
가끔, 내 자신이 너무 미울때가 있다. 조금만 더 버텨볼껄. 조금만 더 독해질껄. 조금만 더 남을 희생해 내 가치를 높힐껄. 조금만 더 무심해질껄.
난 알고 있다. 그런 생각들은 헛되다는걸. 내 마음 가장 깊숙이 자리잡고 있는 교육과 믿음, 가족과 친구들과의 사랑에서 뿜어져 나오는 가치들은 나에게 그보다 더한, 더 소중한 것들을 지키라고 말한다. 내 등을 다독인다. 잘 했다고. 그저 앞으로 더 열심히 하면 되는거라고. 세상적인 것을 위해 순수함을 잃지 말라고. 꿈과 소망에 자신을 두라고. 열정을 가지고 따르라고. 지금 이 순간 만큼은 솔직해 지라고. 거짓대신 진실을 택하라고.
난 어쩜 너무나도 행복해야 하는데. 왜 난 사랑받기를 꺼려 하는걸까. 왜 내 자신을 일부러 망가뜨려 가는걸까. 왜 다른사람들을 밀어내는걸까. 왜 내 마음엔 설움이 가득찬걸까. 항상 부족 하다고 느끼는 걸까. 도대체 왜. 항상 감사하면서도 왜 원망이 되는걸까.
내 마음은 온통 질문뿐이다.
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I have no energy and all I want to do is to say “fuck everything,” turn off my cell phone, hide under a rock right near a gorgeous beach that never grows dark, and sleep for a century or two. When I wake up, I’ll get lost in the ocean, feed on tropical fruits and coconuts, and go back to sleep until the day I wake up and realize that I am okay, that I’ve found peace, that I can face people again.
He tells me every day just how beautiful I am, just how much he appreciates me. By taking just one look, he sees, through the images reflected in my eyes, just how much pain I’ve gone through, every single person who has hurt me, all the moments that have inflicted scars upon me- and he attempts to make me forget.
And he succeeds. He takes my hand in his, and for a little while, I can push back the overwhelming memories, the heartaches, and rest sated, with my head on his shoulder. He whispers sweet nothings, promises security, happiness, stability. He offers everything that I have wished for in the past- and gives me more than what I could ever dream of.
And yet, I am unhappy.
All I can remember is the way he refused to let me go, then suddenly released me into the cold. The way I let him go, because I was too caught up in the moment. Because I believed that we would have a whole future together. The way he always showed up after not shaving for two days, with shadows, possibly because he knew that I loved it. The way he held me in the street, as if it was going to be the last time we saw each other. It was.
His hugs. His eyes. The mass of his messy, wavy brown hair that was never in place. His addictions, his obsessions. The way he would do anything for his friends. The way he seemed so certainly lost, that I felt the urge to reach out to him and hold him. To help him, in whatever way I could.
I really tried my best, but in the end, I had to let go, because I knew that it was hurting both of us- we were putting pressure on him, and frustrating me. Our priorities were different, and we weren’t willing to change them.
It was horrendous. In such a short amount of time, he showed me so much of him, so much more than I could have asked for, but I never had to chance to show him who I really was. Our time, briefly spent together, was so focused on him that most opportunities to understand myself was lost- and when I looked for it, when I asked for it, he refused. The result was that he never really understood me, or knew me.
The truth is- I don’t want to forget.
The memories that make my heart ache are the same one that make my heart swell, with emotions that had seemed so trivial prior to their formations, but now seem powerful enough to shift my world.
If they had disappeared, the heartaches would be gone, but so would the swells. Everything would become flatlined again, until someone came and revived me, so that I could feel again, in a newly opened world. But right now, I’m more numb than anything. The energy has left me, and I just cannot bring myself to care, to allow myself to be vulnerable once more so that the whole process of creative destruction of emotional roller coaster rides can be repeated.
I wish I could forget- I wish that I would want to forget, but the fact is that I can’t, because I wouldn’t. Because then, it would all be gone- and I would be left with nothing.
I don’t know what it is about Christmastime, but I have a feeling that tonight is going to be full of memories and LOTS and lots of blogging.
Remember those walls I built?
Well…they’re tumbling down, without a fight, without a sound.
The truth is, I found a way to let you in- I had my doubts, but standing in the light of your halo, I see it: I’ve got my angel now, the one that I’d been waiting for.
It’s like I’ve been awakened- you broke every rule I had. I swore I’d never fall again, but this doesn’t even feel like falling. It’s like gravity forgot to pull me back down to the ground again, and that’s okay. You were the risks that I took, you became my saving grace, my halo.
Everywhere I look, I’m surrounded by your embrace- you’re everything I need and more, and I see it so clearly. I see it written all over your face.
You hit me like a ray of sun, burning through my darkest night, and I know that you are, and you will be the only one that I want, because I am already addicted to your light.
I feel so awakened, I am never going to shut you out- because I don’t think I can.
Because I can see your halo.
Because you’re my saving grace, my halo.
I pray it won’t fade away.
I wrote the title, intending to write a letter to him, just like I always have- but tonight, I’m facing a writer’s block, the kind that is caused by an overwhelming amount of emotions. They stand in the way of my expression.
Tonight, I’m stunned into silence by my feelings: my hurt, my fear, and everything else.
To all the girls out there who feel like they’re not worth it: trust me, you are. He just wasn’t the right one for you.